So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
