I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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