He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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