Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
