I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
