my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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