I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
