You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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