I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
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You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
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My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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