moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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