If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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