It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
