you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
The air taste purple.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
