My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
