you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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