I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
