I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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