Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
