There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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