I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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