a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
