So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
