I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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