after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
