I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
