Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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