I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
