At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
there's paper in my vomit.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize