fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
