did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
