if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
