I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
