jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
