You're my little dorito
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
