I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
