if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
She's like a pop up book from hell.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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