M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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