He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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