I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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