He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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