There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
