my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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