Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
