im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
