your room smells of hookers.
And success
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
