my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
