When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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