dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
