Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
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You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
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And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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