I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
