i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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