i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
