your thong is hanging out like whoa
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
