I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
