Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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