I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
