the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
