just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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